Cheryl Truman on books

The contenders:

-Miley Cyrus: This Is Her Life (Berkley Boulevard Paperback Original, costing $16 of Mommy’s money and an untold future of humiliation when, in 2035, your now-tween daughter digs this out of your middle school trinkets and cackles like the possessed). The unauthorized biography of the world’s most successful and overexposed teenager breaks the news that other names considered before hitting upon the “Hannah Montana” platinum standard included “Anna Cabana,” “Samantha York,” and “Alexis Texas.” Also: A quiz to determine if you have what it takes to be a FOM (Friend of Miley), and pictures! So very, very many long-maned, toothy pictures!

Killer moment: Page 130-131, the quiz on “Which cause is for you?” Your choices are: visiting sick kids, going green and saving animals. Winning question: “If I see a stray animal in my neighbohood, I … A. want it! B. feel sad!” Living in the state to which Ms. Cyrus is peripherally tied, I can safely answer that if I see a stray animal in my neighborhood, it’s road kill.

Random sentence: “Dressed in supercute polka dots, she happily answered all the reporters’ question before going in to head up an autograph booth.”

Maddening moment: “It was into this tumultuous time that Destiny Hope Cyrus was born, on November 23, 1992, in Franklin, Tennessee.  This “tumultuous time” would be the post-mullet life of Miley’s father, “Achy-Breaky Heart” singer Billy Ray Cyrus.

A happier option: This is why we have People.com, people.

VS.

James Lipton: Inside Inside (New American Library Trade Paperback, $15), from the host of Inside the Actors Studio. Cringe: Lipton’s pandering to the celebrities who have sacrified so much to sit on a stage with him and talk about being Artists makes being tied to a chair during a “Hannah Montana” marathon look downright sweet. Read: Lipton badgering Hugh Grant to emote about Lipton’s beautiful wife! See: Early Lipton in ballet attire. OMG moment: Lipton is an avid pilot, which is actually interesting, because it’s not as if he uses it as a tacky excuse to trot out … oh, wait, there it is: a picture of New York’s Twin Towers from a Lipton-piloted plane!

Authentically funny section: Celebrities’ favorite curse words. Jay Leno wins for “syphilitic druid.” The rest show such a distinct lack of imagination you may find yourself wishing for a campaign to eliminate the letter “f” from the alphabet.

Random sentence: “When Jennifer Lopez accepted the invitation to come to our stage, the Purity Police mobilized in defense of the Inside the Actors Studio principles they suddenly understood and treasured — but had somehow neglected to mention or acknowledge before the perceived barbarian appeared at the gates.” It’s like motion sickness in print.

Maddening moment: Dear Lord, why not an index? Also, the first chapter, which opens with that “glady teche” quote from Chaucer that adorns infinite windowless middle-school teachers’ cinderblock walls: Because you can’t say Meg Ryan, Barbra Streisand and Robin Williams without thinking Chaucer.

A happier option: Lipton wrote a lovely reference book, An Exaltation of Larks: And 1,000 more group terms, real and fanciful, from the 12th to the 21st centuries. Really, an “unction of undertakers” should make your day (unless you’re Miley Cyrus, in which case a cinnamon-scented candle apparently does the trick).

And the winner is: The Divine Miss Cyrus. Supercute polka dots lay the smackdown on Lipton, even with Lipton’s uproarious pleas for a tattoo.